Hey guys! In case anyone stumbles across this, I’ve moved my blog to deelgirlinthecity.blogspot.com. Come check it out!
I officially leave 7 weeks from today. It seems a little unreal. On one hand, it’s flying by, and on the other it’s creeping along.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m looking for. Yes, my main reason for moving to Chicago is grad school. However, I could have done that here. What’s driving me? I want my relationship with God to grow into something more real and powerful than I’ve ever had. I want to know Him in a much more personal way, and serve Him in ways I never have. I want true friends and real community. I desperately miss having friends. I know that sounds pathetic, but I feel like I’ve been abandoned by most of my friends for whatever reason. Hopefully I’ll find a sense of acceptance and community in Chicago. I want to get an incredible education. I can’t wait to start school and learn in a diverse and challenging environment.
Things are going to be so much different. I have no idea how I’m going to cope with so much of it. But I sure can’t wait!
I’ve always been a lover of history. Especially American history. And I don’t just mean I didn’t mind it, I seriously LOVE it. I read books, watch documentaries, look up speeches…I. Love. It.
One of my favorite eras to study is the 1960′s. When you look at the massive changes that our country went through in one decade, it’s overwhelming. It was the decade of JFK, the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Civil Rights Movement, the Women’s movement, Woodstock, the Vietnam War, protests, sit-ins, love-ins, drug use. So much happened so quickly.
This past weekend I got to visit one of the places I’ve always dreamed of going: The National Civil Rights Museum. The museum is on the site of the Lorraine Motel where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated. I was thrilled to get to see this historical site, and instantly sobered by standing at the site of such an awful act of violence.
When you first walk up, you pass the original sign and see the original facade of the building. That iconic balcony where Dr. King stood and asked a friend below to play “Precious Lord, Take My Hand” at the upcoming rally that night–it’s there with a large wreath marking the spot where he was shot.
Once inside, you’re led through a giant timeline dating back from when slaves were first brought from Africa to America. You see through pictures, newspapers, and documents the struggle that African-Americans faced simply because of the color of their skin. Before long, you reach the pinnacle of the civil rights movement—the 1960′s. The museum, though housed at the assassination site of Dr. King, wasn’t a museum for or about Dr. King, but about the movement as a whole. It amazed me the number of regular, everyday people who participated and even gave their lives for the movement. I’m not sure I can ever forget the feeling that I got in one particular section of the exhibit. I knew about the lunch counter sit-ins in the South, but the exhibit hit me hard. There was a replica of a Woolworth’s lunch counter sat up with statues of four black young adults sitting at it and two white men standing behind them taunting them. Above this was a television that played actual news coverage of the sit-ins. Some of the interviews made my stomach turn. The footage was worse. In one, three middle aged white men stood smoking cigars behind some black twentysomethings sitting at the lunch counter. They were picking on the young man in particular. They would taunt him. They broke his glasses. They tapped the ashes from their cigars into his hair. All the while, this young man never moved, never said a word, never threw a punch. He wasn’t looking for an excuse to be violent, although no one now could blame him. He was excercising his right as an American, as a HUMAN, to sit and have lunch. In other footage you saw some white kids join in the sit-ins. I’m sure they lost friends because of their stance, but they were doing what was right. It was heavy stuff to watch.
It would’ve been easy to get caught up in the past, but right next to me was an African-American man, his wife, and teenage daughter. As we stood silently next to each other reading placards, the man began to openly weep, then wrap his arms around his family. He couldn’t seem to hold them tight enough. This experience wasn’t just history to him—it was real life.
At the end of the exhibit, I arrived at a television showing Dr. King’s final speech given in Memphis the night before he died. Next, the path led me to a recreation of his hotel room. Before I knew it, I was looking out a window right on the balcony where Dr. King died. It was a heavy moment. Trying to imagine what millions of people felt when that shot was fired, knowing they lost their leader, who many felt was their only hope–I began to cry. I cried because their should have never been a need for the civil rights movement. I cried over the fact that so many had so much hate in their hearts because of the color of skin. I cried because I still wonder if we’ve come far enough.
I will forever be glad that I was able to have this experience. I would love to go back again and spend more time there. There’s so much more I want to soak up and learn. One of my favorite quotes of Dr. King’s is from his speech in Memphis the night before he died. I’m not sure if he had a premonition that his time on earth was coming to an end, but this is inspiring none the less:
“Well, I don’t know what will happen now. We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn’t matter with me now. Because I’ve been to the mountaintop. And I don’t mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land. And I’m happy, tonight. I’m not worried about anything. I’m not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.”
I used to be a fantastically outgoing person. I used to be busy all the time and always on the go. I’m not too sure when that changed, but it has…drastically. And it’s not good for me. I’ve become that person that I never wanted to be. I’m the person who is alone more often than not, to the point where it truly wears me out to be around a lot of people for too long. It’s scary because I’m going to HAVE to be outgoing when I get to Chicago. I will have to get out of this funk and start making new friends. To be honest, that’s the scariest part of this whole move. I feel like in some ways I’ve forgotten how to be a friend, how to be social.
In the next few months I’m going to make myself get out of my comfort zone. I’m going to make myself invite people over. I’m going to go out whenever I’m invited, no matter what. I know I need time to recharge, but I’ve had enough of being alone. It’s not as important as relationships. And I already feel like I’ve lost too many relationships to count…I can’t sacrifice those I have left. So here’s to discovering the old me….I’ve really missed her!
Do you ever wish that you could go straight from making the choice about the next step in your life to just doing it without all the time in between? That’s where I’m at right now. I’ve finally decided to let God lead me where He wants me, and right now that’s Chicago. But the problem is I’ve still got 10 months until I go! So tonight I did a lot of thinking about what I need to do with my time in Nashville.
I want to spend as much time as I can with the people that mean the most to me before I leave. I know I’ll miss them dearly when I get to Chicago. I want to continue doing well with my weight loss and workouts. I’d love to be skinny when I get to Chicago–I could do some fantastic shopping! Church needs to be more of a priority, and I need to be more involved. I want to soak up my time with my kiddos before I leave. I’ve loved being their nanny for the past year and a half. Seth was 4 months old when I started and now he’s 2 and starting preschool! Shyla’s a kindergartener and growing up so fast! I’ll miss them so much.
Tonight was my first semi-breakdown about leaving. I don’t know what got me so emotional, but I started crying at the thought of starting all over in a brand new city. Sometimes it’s a little overwhelming. But I know that God has started me on this journey and that He will keep leading me. I’m so grateful for the support I’ve gotten from so many people. I really am so blessed!
Well it is official. Teri Deel will be Chicago bound in 2011!!! I have decided after much, much, much prayer that it is time to leave Nashville behind and see what else is out there. I’ll be staying in Nashville to finish up my lease and then moving in with my wonderful aunt and uncle in the Windy City.
Right now I’m busy looking at grad schools and trying to decide which one is the best fit for me. My uncle works in higher ed, so he is being a saint and helping me narrow the field. My mom and sis have been SUPER supportive and so have my closest friends. I’ve not told many people until now because it’s been a little uncertain. Now I want to shout it everywhere! I feel more at peace right now in this moment than I have in years.
For a long time I’ve been fighting this restlessness in me that it’s time to move on. I’ve made excuses and made other plans. Now, I just feel peace.
I’d appreciate your prayers in the next few months as I prepare to make this move. I’ve never lived anywhere but Nashville. It’s a little overwhelming, but so exciting.
My lease is up in April. That means I have a little less than 9 months to decide what comes next. I’m seriously considering some major changes and I’m nervous about it. Pray for me if you think of it. I think a change of pace/scenery is exactly what I need.
When I heard about Michael Jackson passing away 2 weeks ago, I was in total shock. Seriously, this guy was the embodiment of the music of my childhood. “Thriller” (the album) was released the day after I was born. The video for Thriller scared the crap out of me. The first time I saw it I was probably 5, maybe 6. For some reason my teacher at the after care place I went after kindergarten showed it to us. I’m telling you, those first few minutes of that video are still pretty freaky! The first music I remember being played in my house was that of Carly Simon, James Taylor, the Carpenters, and Michael Jackson. He was huge!
I first saw his movie Moonwalker when I was in kindergarten. One of my friends owned it and we watched it all the time! That’s where the full-length video for Smooth Criminal came from. We used to practice for HOURS trying to learn how he did that lean!
He was an incredibly talented musician. He broke all sorts of barriers between race and musical styles. Possibly more impressive are his charitable contributions. He holds the records for the most charities supported by a pop star.
There was a lot of controversy that surrounded him in the last 15 years of his life. I never thought he was guilty. I thought he suffered from not having a childhood and that he never quite grew up. Did he do some things that were questionable? Yes. Do I think he ever hurt anyone? No. I felt sad for him. I felt like he was probably incredibly lonely.
Anyway, here’s to Michael Jackson, the King of Pop music. Your talent is unmatched!
Bachelorette party, visiting with friends until 2:30 AM, sleeping in, shopping with mom, buying gifts to spoil my nieces and nephews with, church, putting my heart into worship, baby shower for one of my best friends… I love weekends!
I broke down Sunday night. I look back on it now and it feels so dumb, but I had reached my breaking point.
For the last…I don’t know how long…anyway, I feel like I’ve been so fake. I don’t like fake people. I like real people who don’t hide how they really are, but I’ve been such a hypocrite. I feel so disconnected from my faith. Most of the time I feel like I’m just going through the motions, doing what I’m supposed to do. I go to church because I’m supposed to. I read my Bible because I’m supposed to. I pray because I’m supposed to. The fire isn’t there. My passion isn’t there. I’m frustrated and I just feel alone.
Sunday night I walked into church. I stood at the back of the church for the first 10 minutes alone. I didn’t have anywhere to sit. Dumb right? So I left. I left, got in my car, and cried. I had the first real conversation with God that I’ve had in weeks, maybe months. I told Him that I felt like He had abandoned me. I felt like the mistakes I made in the past are still beating me up years later. I felt like this God of forgiveness was really just a God of punishment. I felt like I was completely alone without any one to turn to or confide in.
Three days later I still don’t have the answers. I feel better, like I got some things off of my heart that had been building. I know that God hasn’t left me. I know I’ve messed up a lot, but I also know that God has forgiven me and given me multiple clean slates.
This whole post is one big gripe fest. I don’t let myself dwell on being “alone” too much because most of the time I don’t consider myself alone. But the past few weeks have been really hard. Everyone else has moved on with their life and I feel stuck in my teen years. Anyway, sorry to anyone who reads this. Just needed to get a few things off of my chest.
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