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My lease is up in April. That means I have a little less than 9 months to decide what comes next. I’m seriously considering some major changes and I’m nervous about it. Pray for me if you think of it. I think a change of pace/scenery is exactly what I need.
When I heard about Michael Jackson passing away 2 weeks ago, I was in total shock. Seriously, this guy was the embodiment of the music of my childhood. “Thriller” (the album) was released the day after I was born. The video for Thriller scared the crap out of me. The first time I saw it I was probably 5, maybe 6. For some reason my teacher at the after care place I went after kindergarten showed it to us. I’m telling you, those first few minutes of that video are still pretty freaky! The first music I remember being played in my house was that of Carly Simon, James Taylor, the Carpenters, and Michael Jackson. He was huge!
I first saw his movie Moonwalker when I was in kindergarten. One of my friends owned it and we watched it all the time! That’s where the full-length video for Smooth Criminal came from. We used to practice for HOURS trying to learn how he did that lean!
He was an incredibly talented musician. He broke all sorts of barriers between race and musical styles. Possibly more impressive are his charitable contributions. He holds the records for the most charities supported by a pop star.
There was a lot of controversy that surrounded him in the last 15 years of his life. I never thought he was guilty. I thought he suffered from not having a childhood and that he never quite grew up. Did he do some things that were questionable? Yes. Do I think he ever hurt anyone? No. I felt sad for him. I felt like he was probably incredibly lonely.
Anyway, here’s to Michael Jackson, the King of Pop music. Your talent is unmatched!
Bachelorette party, visiting with friends until 2:30 AM, sleeping in, shopping with mom, buying gifts to spoil my nieces and nephews with, church, putting my heart into worship, baby shower for one of my best friends… I love weekends!
I broke down Sunday night. I look back on it now and it feels so dumb, but I had reached my breaking point.
For the last…I don’t know how long…anyway, I feel like I’ve been so fake. I don’t like fake people. I like real people who don’t hide how they really are, but I’ve been such a hypocrite. I feel so disconnected from my faith. Most of the time I feel like I’m just going through the motions, doing what I’m supposed to do. I go to church because I’m supposed to. I read my Bible because I’m supposed to. I pray because I’m supposed to. The fire isn’t there. My passion isn’t there. I’m frustrated and I just feel alone.
Sunday night I walked into church. I stood at the back of the church for the first 10 minutes alone. I didn’t have anywhere to sit. Dumb right? So I left. I left, got in my car, and cried. I had the first real conversation with God that I’ve had in weeks, maybe months. I told Him that I felt like He had abandoned me. I felt like the mistakes I made in the past are still beating me up years later. I felt like this God of forgiveness was really just a God of punishment. I felt like I was completely alone without any one to turn to or confide in.
Three days later I still don’t have the answers. I feel better, like I got some things off of my heart that had been building. I know that God hasn’t left me. I know I’ve messed up a lot, but I also know that God has forgiven me and given me multiple clean slates.
This whole post is one big gripe fest. I don’t let myself dwell on being “alone” too much because most of the time I don’t consider myself alone. But the past few weeks have been really hard. Everyone else has moved on with their life and I feel stuck in my teen years. Anyway, sorry to anyone who reads this. Just needed to get a few things off of my chest.
My great-grandmother, Opal Stafford Smith Tatum, was born on July 5, 1912. She was raised on a farm in New Castle, Indiana. When she was 10 years old, her mother died and she was left to be “the woman of the house”. She practically raised her younger sister Grace, did chores on the farm, and did most if not all of the household chores.Needless to say, she didn’t go too far in school. Basically she has about a 7th grade education. Yet she is one of the most amazing women I know.
She was saved at a tent revival that came through her town when she was a little girl. Soon her whole family was attending church. From that time on, she never missed. Even after she and my great-grandfather were married and he had to work on Sundays, she would walk to church by herself and never thought twice about it.
Granny and my great-grandfather raised two children, my grandma and my great-uncle Bill. The whole family was heavily involved in their church and community. Both of her children married godly people and started families of their own. When my great-grandfather passed away in 1972, my Granny had to pick up the pieces and move forward with her life. She took his life insurance money and decided that instead of making a nice little nest egg for herself she would put all 5 of her grandchildren through college. And that’s exactly what she did. Even though she didn’t have much formal education, she had a great love for it and wanted all of her grandkids to have the opportunity that she didn’t.
She never remarried. She never sold the house that she shared with her husband. She learned to take care of herself and all of those around her. She was so full of life and humor. When she was a teenager she won a Charleston dance competition (the dance, not the city). Even in her 60’s she could still kick her legs up and do it! When my dad left my mom she went around her house and put little tiny post-it’s over his face in all of the pictures. She would say, “I can pray for him, but that doesn’t mean I have to look at him!”. She was the fiestiest woman I have ever met. Stubborn but always loving. Every time we left Indiana we would stop by her house to say goodbye. She would always walk out to the front porch and stand there and wave at us until we were out of sight.
Granny passed away this morning. She’s been sick for a while now. The ongoing joke in our family was that for YEARS we have all been saying, “This will be Granny’s last Christmas” or thinking that everytime we left her was the last time.
The last time I saw her was in February. She was in an assisted living home and she was the best I had seen her in a long long time. She was walking and talking and smiling. She stopped every person we passed in the hallway to show off her family. When we left she stood at the end of the hallway and waved at us just like she used to at her house.
God blessed our family with her. No one could ask for more. I’m grateful that she is home with her Savior and reunited with her husband after all these years. I miss her, but I’m so thankful for all of the time I had with her.
My best friend just had a beautiful baby boy, Mayer Scott, on March 16th. He weighed in at 8 lbs, 14 oz. and was 21 inches long. He is absolutely gorgeous and perfect in every way! I stood in the hospital holding him in my arms at 2:30 in the morning, and all these memories just came rushing through my mind. Carrie has been the most amazing friend to me over the years. She’s picked me up at the lowest moments of my life. She knows me better than just about anyone. Some of the craziest things have happened to us and I can’t wait to tell Mayer what a nutty mommy he has! I looked at that little boy and knew that I would love him for his whole life. I hope that I can be a person he feels comfortable confiding in and joking around with. It’s incredible watching your friends become parents…so surreal.
Laura is also preggers. She’s due July 18th and having a little girl. Jenny is due on July 20th. Anne is having a baby the end of September. And I just found out on Tuesday that Rachel is having a baby in October! I’m so happy for all these girls. I love them all so much, and each of them will make great mothers. I wish I were joining in all the baby fun. Hopefully my life won’t be on hold permenantly! 
Congratulations my friends! I love you all very much!
My friend Maris wrote an amazing post today over at her blog. She sent me a text message and told me to take a look at it and that she had me in mind when she wrote it. Her post was on the topic of singleness, specifically related to the sermon she heard at her church on Sunday. It was a wonderful encouragemnt to me, and at the same time, it was extremely humbling. Most of the time I think that people give me too much credit when it comes to how I deal with being single.
I am 26 and single. I don’t desire to be single. I don’t feel like God has called me to a life of singleness. But the truth of the matter is, I am single. I accepted that a long time ago. I realized that my life wasn’t going to take the turn I thought it would. I knew I wouldn’t be like the rest of my friends. What I struggle with is what I do while I’m single.
If you ask me what I want to do with my life, the simplest answer I can give is, I want to make a difference. Yes, I have goals and I have plans. But along the way I’ve learned that specific goals and plans can disappear quickly. So instead of foolishly thinking that I have a clue as to where I’m heading, my new goal is to make a difference. Yes, I want to be a school counselor. I want to adopt. I want to work in an inner city setting. But if you ask me point blank, “What are you doing NOW to make a difference?”, I wouldn’t have an answer. I try to be there for people, but most of the time I feel like I end up focusing on myself and my issues. I try to open up my home and love on people, but all too often I find excuses to be “too busy”. Too busy?
I’m at a unique place in my life right now. A place that none of my friends have been able to experience. I’m an independent adult out on my own without the responsibility of taking care of anyone else. I should be doing so much more! I should be busy working with the homeless, the sick, the less fortunate. I should work at my church more. I should invest myself in others more.
On the flip side, I should be doing things that I want to do and might never have the opportunity to do again. I want to travel more, I want to live in New York City, I want to move to Arizona, I want to get out of debt, I want to get my life straight. Why not now?
I guess what I’m saying is, while being single can be lonely and a lot of times I feel left out, I have a unique opportunity. I just need to be reminded of that every once in a while. Thank you Maris. I love you!
Hello to anyone who may still be checking my blog! It’s been entirely too long, and I doubt anyone is still following this. If you are, you’re better than I am!
I started a new job on January 5th nannying for a wonderful family that have two adorable kids. I absolutely love what I’m doing, and I can’t wait to start on school and get things rolling in the grad school department.
Not gonna lie, the past few months have been about the most difficult that I can remember. I have been stretched farther than I thought I could handle, and on more than one occasion, I felt like I was breaking down. I’m still trying to catch my breath and evaluate everything that’s happened. At this point I’m not sure I can say, “Well, this is what God taught me through this experience”, but maybe in time I’ll figure it out. If nothing else, He has definitely reminded me that I’m blessed more than I realize by the family and friends He has placed around me.
I’m hopeful about this new year and what it will bring. I have my checklist of things I want to accomplish, and I hope a few of them get done. I’m hopeful about our country and praying for our new President. I’m anxiously awaiting what God has in store. I hope the new year has already brought good things to all of you!
Well, in a few hours the election results will start coming in from all over the country. I have my map printed off and my red and blue colored pencils ready to follow a night of news. Yes, I am THAT person!
Today’s decision wasn’t necessarily an easy one for me. I don’t fall totally in line with either party, so it’s been hard for me to get real jazzed about either candidate. However, I did choose the man that I believe will be the best leader for our country at this time.
I went to lunch with my dad today and we had a good discussion about the candidates and why I was voting for Obama and why he voted for McCain. I have great respect for both men, but I fall in line more with Obama’s views on healthcare, the war in Iraq, and the economy. About the only I agree with McCain on is abortion, but I’m not totally convinced that overturning Roe v. Wade is the answer. Anyway, I was able to talk to my dad about things from the military’s perspective today. I was surprised at two things. First, when I told him who I was planning on voting for, he didn’t hit the ceiling. Instead, it started an excellent discussion and I felt like he really respected my views. Secondly, I was shocked when he agreed with me (partially anyway) about the situation in Iraq. I openly admitted that I didn’t understand why most of our efforts seemed to be focused on Iraq and not on finding Bin Laden and fighting Al Queda in Afghanistan. He looked at me and said, “Honey, most of the military feels the exact same way. I totally understand that.”
No matter who wins this election tonight (or whenever all of the votes are counted), I’m so thankful for the democratic process. This has been a tough and eye opening year for me. For the first time I didn’t vote straight Republican because I’m a Christian. I studied the issues and came to my own decisions about what I thought of them. I don’t care if you voted for Obama, McCain, or Ralph Nader. As long as you know why you did and you stand by it, then you have my total respect.
I gotta go sharpen my color pencils before the results start coming in! Only a couple of hours left!
On a much lighter note, I went to see the New Kids on the Block in concert last night in Atlanta! Oh my word…it was incredible! Laura and I both agreed that we had never been in a crazier concert setting. My ears are still ringing this morning from the screams of 15-40 year old girls/women. It was so worth it though!
Gotta say, after all these years the guys can still sing and dance like they did 15 years ago. I was impressed. And it helps that they’re all dang sexy too! Laura is a great friend for agreeing to go with me and put up with the little girl in me that came out as soon as they stepped on stage. For real though, those guys went pretty non-stop from the second they hit the stage. And yes, they sang TONS of their old stuff and rocked out some of the new. Wow…I wish I could afford to go again. They made my week!
Okay, I’m done with the dorkiness now. You can all laugh.
I ♥ Jordan Forever!!!
NOW..the dorkiness is over.
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